Awake
by Bellerde
Summary: A car accident leaves Jane split between two realities, each seemingly as real as each other. When faced with an unthinkable decision which one can she choose and which does she have to give up on forever?


Awake

The shrink was watching her again.

A nervous Jane Rizzoli tried everything she could to focus on the ticking sound from the clock on the far side of the room, but was finding it more and more difficult to concentrate on counting down the minutes , because all she could feel, like the burning glare of a flashlight, was his gaze beaming into the side of her head.

_Don't look at him Rizzoli. Do not look._

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.

The sound echoed across the room. Jane closed her eyes, the methodical ticking the sole thing keeping her breathing steady, but no matter how tightly she squeezed her eyes shut, she couldn't escape reality.

Reality was that Dr Benjamin Lee, one of the country's most renowned psychotherapists, was sitting no more than six feet away from her, his thin horn-rimmed glasses perched at the end of his nose, just watching her.

Although now she thought about it, watching was perhaps the wrong word. The way he was hunched forward, his hands clasped out in front of him, his eyes never once shifting from Jane's direction was far more than watching. No. He was analysing her.

Every little movement that Jane made was being noted down. Every twitch of her fingers. Every glance to the clock. Every crack of her neck. Everything.

Jane became acutely aware of the tapping of her foot and the ringing of her hands. Almost immediately she stopped both actions, put her hands in her lap and straightened herself almost painfully upright. She wasn't going to give him anything.

He didn't even flinch.

With a deep sigh she dropped her head. The waves of black hair fell around her face, enveloping her in a dark veil of protection. Only then did she open her eyes. It was a foolish notion really; if I can't see him he can't see me.

She pinged the rubber band on her wrist. It was yellow, Maura's favourite colour, Jane remembered her saying something about it reminding her of summer and sunshine or something like that. It had fast become a favourite of Jane's too, yellow reminded her of Maura.

It had been Maura that had slogged and searched through dozens of names and searches before eventually finding Dr Lee. Then it had taken several more weeks of gentle pushing and persuading to get Jane to go to the first session, and every single one after that, all while she had been suffering herself. Jane wanted to cry, she felt so guilty. Maura had done so much, she'd set this all up to help Jane cope with her 'grief' but Jane hadn't said anything past 'the weather's nice'.

How could she possibly overcome grief that she didn't have?

The only thing Jane felt was that she was letting Maura down. Maybe that was the reason she finally spoke.

"Do you believe in parallel universes?" she asked quietly, without lifting her head.

Through her hair she watched him suck in his cheeks, clearly mulling over the question, "Do you?"

Jane had to physically restrain herself from rolling her eyes, this was why she hated shrinks, they never gave her a straight answer, only an endless stream of questions.

She closed her eyes and shook her head, she could almost hear the whirring of the ambulance as it turned up to ship her off to the loony bin. Before she could lose her nerve she snapped her eyes open and lifted her head to look him straight in the eye.

It took one final deep cleansing breath before she eventually managed to stutter out, "I didn't... not until after... after the..." She paused once she heard the tremble in her voice, she hated that her eyes were already welling up with tears. She clenched her hands together painfully and finally finished her sentence, "not until the accident."

Without so much as a pause, Dr Lee calmly replied "Are you referring to the car accident last month involving your wife, your son and yourself, Jane?"

"Yes."

And that was nearly all she was going to give him, she had to keep some cards back, for sanity's sake. But then she saw it, a spark of emotion so subtle she almost missed it.

His eyes flicked to the photo frame on his desk, it was one she was quite familiar with by now. It held a picture of two little Chinese girls. They were four or five with block fringes and gappy teeth, his daughters she'd assumed. Jane wondered if he kept that photo on his desk for the same reason that her own was littered with her family's snapshots, to remind him there was a life outside the office.

It was then that she decided to trust him, he too was a parent, he might just understand.

Just like that the floodgates opened and everything Jane had worked so hard to repress and hide poured out.

It was dark by the time Jane arrived home, much later than she'd expected to be, Maura's car was already in the garage and she could see the glow of light from the kitchen through the window. Grabbing the sunflowers from the passenger seat she got out her car and went inside.

She found Maura with her back to her absently-mindedly stirring a pot, clearly she hadn't heard Jane come in. Looking at her wife in yoga pants and a baggy sweater Jane smiled and crept up behind her wrapping her arms around her waist and planting the flowers squarely in front of Maura's face.

"Good evening to you too." Maura laughed out before wriggling out of Jane's grasp to place the flowers in an empty vase. "To what to I owe this pleasure?"

"Does a woman need a reason to get her wife a gift?" Jane said, placing a kiss on Maura's cheek, who raised her eyes but didn't say any more.

Jane turned to the pot that Maura had just been stirring and picked up the wooden spoon, bringing it to her lips she tasted the sauce that was on it, but before she had time to make a comment, she flinched as a dish towel swatted her butt.

"Jane Rizzoli you can't even wait five minutes!"

Her mouth full with her second helping of pasta sauce Jane replied, "I wa jus' helpin'!"

Chuckling Maura knocked her out of the way with her hip, shaking her head she looked across at the guilty party, "Honestly Jane! If you want to help, go and lay the table while I plate up."

Jane saluted her before turning on her heel toward to the cutlery drawer. She paused a moment while gathering the knives and forks, things hadn't been that light between the two of them in a long time, her chat with Dr Lee seemed to have lifted a weight off her shoulders.

However as soon as she turned around that atmosphere instantly changed, she saw Maura standing still as a statue at the table looking down at a plate in front of the seat that neither of them ever sat at. Jane slowly walked up behind her, placing a hand on her back and she too looked down at the plate of food.

She recognised it immediately, it was nothing fancy, a two dollar white dinner plate from IKEA but it wasn't that that had them both almost in tears, it was what it was decorated with that provoked that reaction. Pictures of rockets and aliens drawn from a child's hand adorned it, and round the rim, painted in shaky, immature script was the name _Henry._

Jane went to pick it up, but was blocked by Maura, "I'll take it."

"No Maura I got it." Jane said numbly and reached out once again to take the plate from Maura's grasp.

"I said I'll do it!"

Jane held her hands up in defeat, she knew Maura's mistake all too well, she herself found herself often going upstairs to check on and empty bed or turning on nightlights when neither she or Maura was afraid of the dark. It was just habit.

She could hear Maura clattering around in the kitchen, she knew it was just to stop herself from crying. As much as Jane wanted to go in there and wrap her arms around her she knew that wasn't what Maura needed or wanted, it was best to just leave her be.

It wasn't until late that night when they were in bed and Maura was asleep that Jane finally did that, she pulled her wife tight to her and kissed her shoulder.

In the silence her mind went back to her session with Dr Lee.

_"I'm so sorry can you go from the beginning again and explain it to me one more time?"_

_"It's not that complicated really,I close my eyes I open them I'm awake with my wife, I close them I open them I'm awake with my son."_

_"So you've been having dreams about your son? That is a perfectly natural reaction, it's part of the grieving process. I'm sure if you discussed it with your wife sh-"_

_"No that's not quite it doc, when I'm awake with my son I eat breakfast, I go to work, I talk to my therapist, I come home and I go to bed. It all feels as real as this conversation does."_

_At this Dr Lee had removed his glasses and leaned closer, shock written across his face, "Are you telling me that you can't distinguish which one is real?"_

_"Yes."_

_"So you're saying you can't tell if you're awake or asleep at this very moment?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Well I can assure you detective that this is not a dream."_

_Jane couldn't help but snort at this, "That's just what the other shrink said."_

When Jane awoke the next morning she found the sheets next to her empty and cold, as she flipped over to turn her alarm clock off she was greeted by sparkling hazel eyes. Her hand flew to her chest, she glanced down at her wrist, in place of the yellow elastic band was now a red one for the Sox, naturally.

Once her breathing had steadied she grinned, "Hi Henry."

The little boy yawned and stretched out, his hair flopping over his eyes. "Mornin' Mama."

As she kissed her son on the forehead Dr Lee's parting words to her rang in her ears. _"Thank you for sharing today Jane, hopefully we'll be able to make some real progress here." _She pulled Henry's head under her chin, breathing in the scent of his shampoo. Poor Dr Lee, if only he knew, she had no desire to ever make progress.

**So I thought I'd stick this at the end to try and avoid giving anything away if this sounds familiar it is, I've based this on the TV show awake that for some stupid reason got cancelled after a season. Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed it!**


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